Arguing amongst mates is common. And, to a certain extent, arguing should happen between two independent adults who are in a relationship. Its going to happen. There is no need to worry that your relationship is in trouble if you argue from time to time.
But, arguing in a bad way is a problem. Even just a little conflict that damages the relationship can lead to divorce or breaking up.
“Bad arguing” happens in several forms. The first is attacking and withdrawing. In relationships, one of you is usually more of an attacker and the other a withdraw-er. Attacking your mate, screaming at them, putting them down is very unhealthy. Just so, withdrawing into silence for days also causes relationship damage.
Another big cause of damage in your relationship is if during an argument you say things that are very hurtful to your mate, like youre a complete stupid idiot or a worthless wench. Studies have shown that if one or both partners treat each other with scorn or contempt during an argument, that relationship gets severely damaged. If you treat your mate with scorn or get treated with scorn you should learn how to deal with conflict in a healthier way.
A healthy way to argue is to understand that arguments will happen from time to time. You both have your own values and views and opinions and perspectives. Next, try to breathe and look your mate in the eye and stay present. Focusing on your breathing will help you to stay somewhat calm.
It can take a good while to learn to do, but the next thing is to focus on de-escalation. This means to lower the volume and temperature of the arguing. See if you can get your mate to calm down by talking more softly yourself. Act in a non-threatening way and give them some space.
Next, and this can take a while to learn as well, see if you can ask your mate whats important to them about this issue. Let them speak and try to make sure they feel heard. You dont have to agree, but you can acknowledge that youve heard them. After (not before) you have listened to their views, then express yours.
Another great step is reconnecting quickly after the argument rather than letting the silence and distance grow. “Sorry honey that we fought, are you okay?” can break the ice. There is a ton of other things to learn about turning conflict into caresses, but you’ve got to start somewhere.
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